Twenty-One Jump Ship

Counting cards isn't very difficult but I'm pretty sure I'm doing it wrong.  I get two, the dealer gets two and that's it.  If that was what counting cards entailed, I'd win every time.  Sadly, that's not the way it goes.

I don't know what it is that thrills me about things that cost money.  I think it's losing.  I've never really won big at a casino so my perspective is limited to my experience.  What I do know is that I keep coming back for more regardless of the previous outcome.  I always have some wild new moxie when I return too.  It is beyond the textbook definition of "insanity."

"If I get double aces, I'll split em" (1 out of 221 probability)
"I'll go half my bank on the first deal so I'll have more money to play with when I win that hand.  Even MORE if I get a blackjack on that first hand" (Absolute zero probability)

It's even worse with those god forsaken slot machines.  The bells and whistles rev up as the machine gets darker and the wheels light up.

BONUS.....("ahhh shit!")......BONUS......("oh fuck yeah, this is it!")........BON-HAHA JUST KIDDING! YOU SUCK! TRY AGAIN THOUGH! DEFINITELY TRY AGAIN! DO "MAX BET" TOO, YOU FUCKING FOOL! YOU HAVE TO WIN THE JACKPOT EVENTUALLY, RIGHT?!

I wish the games were different.  If I had a casino, it would be riddled with such games as "Cee Lo" or "Who wore it better?" and "Which hand is it in?" or "Are you smarter than a phone?"

Absolutely no one would win at my casino, mainly because most of those games aren't real.  My mom and a few of my friends might win a few times but other than that I'm keeping all the money.  I'm a businessman and this is America. If you don't like it, take your ass over to the scratch-off ticket machine or Denmark or wherever.

As far as actual casinos go, I've only one bit of unfinished business.  I haven't summoned the berries to sit down at a poker table yet but that's mostly because I can't keep a straight face.  That's pretty much the entire game right there.  It's ok to get a boner when I have a straight flush because we're all seated adults at the poker table. I have to make sure I don't involuntarily make the accompanying bonerface though or my cover will be blown.

"Sure, I'm bluffing with this hand but you should see what's in the other one!" he says with a wink while being ejected.

I'm nearing the end of my gambling phase.  I've gotten wrapped up in a "there's a way to win" mentality and I laugh at myself when I even have that thought because it's absurdly untrue.  The truth is, I don't need the money I'd win.  I need the money I'm gambling!  And no, I'm not that out of hand nor have I done anything devastating enough that I need to fake some kind of ailment and start a gofundme.  I just need to accept that I'm a loser. It's not as sad as it sounds. Most people are losers. I'm in good company.  By being losers, we all win.

Hey, there's another title for a book I'll talk about and probably never write!

"By being losers, we all win!" by Jim Felter.

I'm gonna need some startup cash.