Faking Boregasms

After a quick vote, one person responded and requested "coffee" as my topic today.  This actually has little to do with coffee but I'll get into that.

I prefer to save my complaining for here or the stage.  I generally don't like "speaking to the manager" because I'm a manager.  I rarely have a complaint that warrants speaking to a manager and unlike a lot of people, I know the difference.

I just wanted some ice cream. My girlfriend and I rarely have dates and when we do, they're often small jaunts to get some kind of food.  I don't really like going to the movies because I always fall asleep and generally nothing of interest is showing that we both can agree on.

Yeah, I fall asleep.  They dim the room and that giant screen just becomes a giant nightlight to me.  It doesn't matter what time of day or whether or not I've had my nap yet, I WILL FALL ASLEEP.

Anyway, we passed the movie theater and stopped in the coffee house next door that I frequent often, (always for coffee and never for ice cream.)  I'd not tried their ice cream yet.  I get unreasonably excited about ice cream because it, along with coffee, is one of the few pleasures in life I still fill my fat head with.  I've even largely given up dairy in my diet because I'm liar about being healthy.  I usually opt for the dairy-free Ben and Jerry's and eat it on my couch with no pants on.  That last part seems like a gratuitous detail and it is but I'm painting a fucking picture here.  A good painter evokes emotion and I'm sure you just had one reading that.

I just wanted some ice cream this night though.  Some real ice cream, made with that authentic cow-teat nectar we've all grown to love.  I'd always seen the signs for their ice cream when I'd stopped in for my morning coffee. It's the ice cream you'd imagine a coffee shop in 2017 would have - free-range, organic, anti-depressant free blah blah blah

This is getting really long-winded. Basically, it was all ruined quickly.  Shit attitudes on the other side of the cold showcase ruined the experience.  I wanted them to be as happy as I was to get the ice cream.  We were perplexed.  Had we done something wrong?  We were greeted as though we'd just killed their parents and came out to celebrate with some peanut butter swirl.

I may have been speaking to the manager a few days later.  I'm not sure, I didn't ask.  I just grabbed the ear of a much more pleasant person.  I explained to them that I know what it's like to have a shit day and also work retail.  I've done it plenty of times.  I still do it every day and I've gotten really good at making people think they and their experiences are unique when they are so tragically ordinary and boring.

 I'm so busy faking interest and smiles on the clock that I'm generally unpleasant for all the other hours of the day.  Anyone who knows me can attest to this.

"Jim hates everything," they say.  This is not entirely true but my excitement is generally so weak from all the faking I get paid to do.  I enjoy many things, I just don't have the energy in my face to show it.

In conclusion, I regret it.  I regret ever saying anything to the person-who-may-or-may-not-have-been-the-manager.  I think they went back and told them and now they're nice to me.  Not normal nice but outrageously nice and interested in my presence.  I think they are literally trying to kill me with kindness when I go in there now.

If you are that person and you are reading this (you're not) YOU WIN!  I give up.  I know what you're doing and I'm begging you to PLEASE STOP!  Go back to your misanthropic steaming of lattes and begrudged scooping of ice cream.  I just want you to be happy again.