Surprises ruin everything

I've spent too much time writing about things I like.  Even if they're masked in disappointment like "losing money at a casino" or "taking 14 swings to get through one hole of golf," I'm still describing things I like to do.

I'd like to take a minute to talk about something I don't like.  And I'm serious, I'm only taking a minute to talk about this; not because I don't want to dwell in the negativity of things I don't like. I actually do enjoy that and could spend all day doing it but I have to get ready for work in a minute.

"I hate surprises" - we hear people say it all the time and that's because LITERALLY EVERYONE HATES SURPRISES.  The only surprise we're ever cool with is a surprise party.  Even then it can get a little dicey.  We had a surprise party for my mom this summer and I'd be lying if I told you I didn't think there was a chance she might have a heart attack.  That was a little frightening.

Surprises are almost always bad though:
You got laid off today - SURPRISE!
You peed on that stick and now you're pregnant - SURPRISE!
You left your dome light on in your car and now it won't start - SURPRISE!
You wake up from a coma - SURPRISE!

You get the picture.

My least favorite surprises, as of late, have been the tacky pamphlets of local politicians. Every day I come home and SURPRISE! HERE'S ELEVEN MORE OF THE SAME SHIT I LEFT AT YOUR DOOR YESTERDAY!  I'm not going to mention any names as I don't really know much about these people.  I still assume (despite their campaign of punk-rock postering my fucking front door for the past month) that they are decent people.  There's also not one particular person at fault either.  There's a few and I have a plan for them that's more community-driven than public shaming.  Public shaming isn't nice.

Now, as luck would have it, listed online is all of their addresses, none of which are very far from me.  The elections were yesterday and all I have to do is wait to see who won.  I'm not 13 so no, I'm not going to egg their houses or tp their lawns or do anything illegal.  I just have questions that need answering.  I'm compiling a list of things that the community needs to know.

And yeah, you guessed it, right at the top of that list is "DO YOU LIKE SURPRISES?"
Then I'm just gonna shower their homes with my business cards.  I get it, they bought all these campaign materials and it's not good for anything after the campaign so they have to use it all up.  Well, I too have 600 business cards with outdated information on them that I desperately need to unload so.....one hand washes the other.  That's how community works. We'll wade through this waste of paper as a team.