Green in too many

I don't know why I started playing golf.  I was at a bachelor party, away for the weekend with some friends in Vermont.  They had decided that one of the great events of the weekend would be playing 9 holes at some country club none of us had ever been to.

(Speaking of bachelor party events in Burlington, Vermont...did you know that there are zero strip clubs within any reasonable distance and it's illegal to hire strippers in the city of Burlington?  You know that now.  You're welcome.)

"Do you want in?"

Without any hesitation I said, "Yeah of course I want to do that."  Even after having known me for over 20 years they still weren't sure if that answer was sarcastic.  I fooled them, though and it turns out I fooled myself as well.  After all, what was I gonna sit in the golf lodge and drink Arnold Palmers while watching golf on tv?  I barely cared about golf enough to do that.  That's for the real golf enthusiasts.

I love Arnold Palmers, by the way.  Iced Tea and Lemonade MIXED TOGETHER?! Whoever thought of that was a genius.

I borrowed my friend's shirt; since this was neither a wedding nor a funeral, I hadn't packed my one shirt that has a collar.  I wanted a cigar but when I got to the pro shop they didn't have any.  I don't even know that I like cigars but at some point I just decided, I'm a golfer now.  I didn't even have clubs.  You're supposed to rent them and not share but fuck that, I totally shared.  I was a golfer and I was already turning the rules of golf upside down.  Between my shunning of their antiquated traditions and my inability to actually send the ball anywhere without mailing a hunk of Earth behind it, I was breaking ground in this sport.

What was my score?  It doesn't matter.  I've yet to keep score.  When you see all these people getting their proverbial wood in a knot about how frustrating this game is, it's because they're keeping score. WHY?!  Why would you keep score?  You're up against no one.  My score is "Most of the time I made it to the green."  That's a pretty good score.  I'd like to see you do better.

Anyway, my friends were pretty impressed so they asked me to play again the next week.  Not bragging or anything but they obviously saw how I was en route to change this game forever.  I figured since it was my second time out ever in my life, I had better invest in some clubs.  I bought a set off a woman on Craigslist for $75 with a bag. They were men's clubs, relax.  He wasn't home at the time which was "too bad because he could've told you more about them." 

Were they a good brand?  Were they in good shape?  How the fuck was I supposed to know?!  I could have asked her and regardless the answer, I'd have had to take it to be the truth!  I know nothing!  Even IF her husband was there, any information he would've given me would have been erroneous.

I didn't even take them out of the bag. I touched the top of a few of them and said "These look like a full set of golf clubs.  Other than that, I have no idea what I'm looking at so here is your $75." I stopped at the store for a cigar on the way to the links (that's what we call it in the biz) because the lady that sold me the golf clubs was "fresh out" - I sensed some sarcasm.  I was again in a position where I had no knowledge of what I was buying. "This looks like a cigar, here is your eight dollars" I said, walking out in my new collared shirt.  

The rest is history.  Three rounds of golf and 48 lost balls later and I'm hooked. There should be an app and balls with tracking devices also.  I'm developing that; it's my idea, don't steal it.  Just another example of how I'm breaking ground in this sport.

The summer is coming to an end.  It's one of my last few weekends off and the weather is shit.  This story is shit too, I realize that.  Regardless of both, I'm going to play golf today and I'm really only writing this to see if anyone wants to join me.  Am I good?  That depends on who's keeping score.  If it's me, I'm pretty good.  I make it to the green on almost every hole.